I had to have a sit down with my two boys the other day after they had gotten into an argument and were digging their heels into their own positions, justifying their unkind behavior towards each other. After several failed attempts to break the shell of their resistance, it became apparent that part of their refusal to budge was that they were perceiving this atmosphere of openness as ‘weak’ because it was requiring them to come clean about what they were actually feeling underneath their anger.

It was at that point I felt it necessary to remind them of what true courage is and that the brand of courage that they’d been exposed to through movies and video games, was in fact, cowardice.

Side note: Try as I might to be a gentle, aware, loving parent, I’ve still taken the approach of not trying to shield them from the world and so have been pretty laxed about the crap they consume even if it’s been created by human beings completely asleep at the wheel. Although I held it back as long as I could, you can now come into my living room at any time to find AK47’s mowing down retreating soldiers and chainsaw-happy zombies hanging helpless college students on rusty hooks so that they can die long and painful deaths.

I then asked them “what requires more bravery, to rough someone up and shoot them in the face if you disagree with them OR to make eye contact with them and tell them how you’re feeling?” I then pointed out how our world is full of people who are afraid to be courageous and open, who go to great lengths to hide this fact by repackaging their fear as courage in the form of fantasies like
Superman, Batman, Ironman, Spiderman and every other super hero you can think of (sans captain underpants of course).

Unfortunately, it was obvious from their body language that I had quickly been relegated to a part of their brain that tells them to nod when appropriate and pause here and there in order to create the appearance of self-reflection.

Rather than continuing to try and turn water into wine, I gave up and said they could leave the table- I then proceeded to chase each one of them down and tickled them under the armpits to the point where they almost peed themselves laughing. Though this unexpected turn of events was not directly related to the situation we were just discussing, it did have the desired effect: it showed them very clearly that the state they were just in was just that: a state; a temporary surge of unexamined heavy emotional energy that needed to come to the surface to be released. Through that laughter, it became obvious to them that their seriousness was not who they were and neither were the positions they were trying to defend.

While the boys may not have consciously understood the transformation that took place when that happened, their subconscious certainly did- which is all I sought to affect in any case.

Have you noticed? Emotional states are like mini dreams; sometimes like fantasies and other times like nightmares- they appear to come out of nowhere and seem like they’ll last for an eternity when you’re in the midst of them. Unfortunately, often times we base our persistent behaviour and world view on the inaccurate assessment of reality that’s made during these fleeting highs and lows.

That’s when an unexpected compliment from a passerby evolves into telling yourself you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread which eventually leads to you strutting down the sidewalk with your collar flipped up humming the lyrics to ‘Stayin’ Alive’. Or, conversely, that’s when your humming is interrupted as you turn the street corner and are mugged by a couple of teenagers, which then evolves into you no longer taking walks in the evening, which leads to you buying a gun and peering through your living room curtains in your underwear day in and day out.

Allowing emotions to dictate your life will never go well. You wouldn’t wait for the sun to come out before you step outside would you? If only some emotions are allowed then only some of life is allowed too. When you entertain emotional preference, you adopt an unnecessary identity and you live in fear; in any moment, one dark cloud could send you running for cover.

Rather than pedestalizing some emotions and condemning others, why not just see them for what they are: impermanent vibratory disturbances that create the soundtrack of your life. Just as a string on a guitar must be agitated in order for music to be made, life’s unexpected twists and turns are needed to agitate your nervous system so that the drama of your life path can unfold with rhythm.

After all, life is never dull for long is it?

You can’t escape the human experience- you can only awaken to how it operates so that regardless of what song is playing, you’ll always be able to sing along.

Copyright © 2022 Kyle Hoobin